The Three Roles of a Virtuous Parent
(From The Three Virtues of Effective Parenting, Lesson from Confucius on the Power of Benevolence, Wisdom, and Courage, Shirley Yuen, Rutland, Vermont: Tuttle Publishing, 2005)
Is shame necessary?
Lead the people with political maneuvers and keep them orderly with punishment, and they will avoid punishments but will be without a sense of shame. Lead them with virtue and keep them orderly through observing ritual, and they will develop a sense of shame, and moreover, will order themselves. (Analects 2.3)
Shame is a painful sense of having done something wrong. The earlier a parent can help a child feel other people’s pain, the earlier a child will feel shame inside themselves when they cause the pain in other people. Shame can be more effective than punishment. Shame helps cultivate an innate positive moral standard.
If shame is over-used or used improperly, it will be very damaging to a child’s self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image. Use shame carefully as a tool to teach, and not a way to hurt.
Parent’s obligation
Inasmuch that a child should be obligated to serve his parents—a virtue called filial piety—there is also parent’s obligation to the child. Parents have the obligation to do our best, do something greater than ourselves and give us courage to do what we don’t want to do.
Three Roles
The Benevolent Ruler rules with his/her heart
When a citizen can handle freedom and responsibility, let him have freedom; When a citizen is not ready to handle freedom and responsibility, teach him first. (Analects 8.9)
If you are a benevolent authority figure who gains the trust and respect of your child, obedience will naturally follow. If you want to be considered an equal with your children, it won’t be long before you will find out that you and your children can never be equals.
The actions of a benevolent ruler are to have understanding, be a good role model, and gain trust instead of creating fear.
A benevolent ruler will need the virtue of benevolence to set the rules; the virtue of wisdom to know if there is anything wrong with the rules; and the virtue of courage to carry out the rules even when they are difficult to enforce.
The five “wonders” for ruling with benevolence: be generous, make children work hard, benevolence vs. might, be poised but not arrogant, be dignified and nor fierce.
The Wise Teacher teaches to inspire
Confucius said, “I think I have said enough.”
Zi Gong asked, “If teacher does not speak, what will we students learn and discuss?”
Confucius said, “What has heaven said? The seasons come and go, and everything grows and fades, but what has heaven said? (Analects 17.19)
Many of us are not aware of the fact that the art of teaching is not only based on words we say, but on our behavior and morality. Our children learn a lot from us just by being with us. Parents are actually wearing their teacher hat all the time.
Prepare your child for the real world to think independently and be able to elaborate on what was taught.—the ability to analyze and learn from the situation.
Although we are older and more experienced than our children, that does not mean that they are always wrong and that we are always right. A teacher is not always right so be ready to apologize if you find out that you have made a mistake.
Students who only know how to agree are not good students. Learning to think for oneself particularly on serious topics will prepare them for life.
Education is about teaching a child to be strong even when he/she has to work hard for the things he/she wants in life. Parents who are brainwashed about the delicacy of a child’s self-esteem give themselves no permission to tell the truth when a child is not doing well with his work. If we simply provide for our children and don’t require them to work hard for anything, our children will only learn how to take, and never know how to give.
The Courageous Friend holds your child’s heart
When asked about friends, Confucius said, “There are three kinds of friends who are helpful. Friends who are honest, friends who are forgiving, and friends who are knowledgeable.” (Analects 16.4)
The friend role is the most fun-oriented of the three roles, and yet it can be the most dangerous and damaging if you befriend your child at the wrong time. If a situation requires no decision-making on your part, this will be a time to wear the friend hat and have fun. When you treat your child as a friend, he is supposed to be a free person, allowed to make his own decision. A ruler and a teacher will eventually retire after your child becomes an adult, but a friend will never need to retire and can last a lifetime.
A helpful friend is being honest, offers forgiveness and grace, and knowledgeable about what is happening in their world so that you would have common topics to talk about.
Independent grownups who still cannot break away from the control of parents are far from friendly and these children are not at ease with their parents. The reason for this is the absence of friendship. If an adult child still thinks of his/her parents as a ruler or a teacher when they spend time together, it is unlikely that they will feel relaxed with them.
Living in America where individualism is stressed, absolute filial piety is a thing of the past. Filial piety can only be the natural result of their relationship with their children. After all, friends are on equal bases and are free to do as they please.
The goal of a ruler is to gain trust of the child. The goal of the teacher is to gain respect of the child. The goal of the friend is to gain connection with the child.
(Summarized by D. Ng, 9/3-5/2005)